


playing on my mind

by ksmalltalk



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Back Together, Idiots in Love, Late Night Confessions, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Mutual Pining, Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:56:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25509364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksmalltalk/pseuds/ksmalltalk
Summary: It's been six months since Buck and Eddie and broke up. In that time, the two have remained extremely close, so much so that Buck has trouble remembering at times that they're now just friends. But as the lines in their dynamic become blurred, Buck finds it difficult to keep his thoughts (and feelings) to himself for a moment longer.A follow up tothis prompt
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 245





	playing on my mind

**Author's Note:**

> these lyrics really have been taking up a lot of space in my head for some time now. i figured this small verse would be the perfect place to do something with them so shoutout to the 1975 for getting the ball rolling. i hope you guys enjoy! if so, kudos and/or comments would be greatly appreciated. as always, you can find me on tumblr at [@benjisvictor](https://benjisvictor.tumblr.com/)

_I think it’s strange that I still call you_ _  
__When I’ve got nothing to say_ _  
__The truth is I still adore you_ _  
__And nothing really matters anyway_

It’s so easy to fall into a routine with Eddie. Though they’ve been broken up for six months now, it hasn’t really felt to Buck as if their relationship was truly over. More often than not he reasons that it’s a lucky thing he’s still so close to his ex. Many people end a relationship and never speak again but Buck has always considered himself fortunate enough to have been able to maintain a close connection even though an actual relationship hadn’t worked out.

Maybe, he’d think on some rare occasions, it wasn’t exactly a blessing all the time, especially in moments like this when the two found themselves in such a domestic scenario. It was like having all the benefits of a boyfriend without the label. Some days Buck could convince himself that it was enough just to still be around Eddie.

Almost but not quite.

“Hey, Chris was asking after you this morning,” Eddie says casually as he looks up at the menu board at their favorite café.

Buck finds the routine hilarious. Eddie gets the same thing every time they come here yet his eyes always gloss over the menu as if he’ll break from the usual. 

“Are you free this Friday for dinner and game night?” he continues.

Any mention of Chris makes a smile break across Buck’s face. Even if he had plans, Buck would have broken them after hearing Chris wanted to spend time with him.

“Yeah, I can definitely manage that,” Buck replies.

Eddie nods contentedly, stepping forward when they’re called next. Buck opens his mouth but Eddie is already giving the cashier their order and pulling out his card to pay for their drinks.

It’s the little things like this that trick Buck’s brain at times. He knows the truth of their situation but even reality can be a tricky thing sometimes. 

* * *

Gathered around the coffee table in Eddie’s living room is a place Buck has found himself countless times. Chris is currently happy beyond measure, set in the lead as they play Monopoly. It should be troubling that a nine year old is better at finances—even hypothetical ones— than him but Buck can’t help but relish in every laugh and teasing jab the young boy throws his way.

This feels so right to him. There had been a time when Friday nights would have been going out for drinks and taking someone attractive home. But ever since he got close to Eddie and, subsequently, Christopher, he can’t think of anywhere else he’d rather be. 

It had been rocky initially when he and Eddie first broke up. Chris had been Eddie’s supposed reason for ending things as abruptly as he had. But there was no mistaking the bond Buck had forged with the youngest Diaz. He had missed him terribly in the first two weeks after their split and Chris had been feeling the loss, too. The only difference was that the boy had no clue what brought the span of separation on.

Eddie had called him one night, Buck picking up immediately after seeing the man’s name flash across his screen.

He and Buck hadn’t spoken much at work, only speaking when necessary. Eddie had explained the lack of Buck appearances at the Diaz home to Chris by citing hectic work hours. But the charade could only last for so long.

“He misses you like crazy,” he’d said and Buck held his tongue in asking if the same could be said of Eddie. “I don’t want to keep you guys apart.”

“I know things are weird between us but we can figure it out for Chris’ sake.”

Eddie had agreed emphatically. The last thing either of them wanted was for Chris to get caught in the crossfires of their failed relationship.

The very next day Buck showed up at their house with two boxes of pizza and a big hug for Chris the second his hands were free. Eddie had looked on, leaning against the wall in the foyer with an unreadable expression on his face.

Buck clung to Christopher, the boy’s head burrowing in the crook of his neck. “I missed you so much,” he said. His eyes flickered up then and caught Eddie’s as he spoke his next set of words for both his guys. “I missed you like you wouldn’t believe.”

All it had taken was that one night to undo the loneliness of those two weeks. The very thing that tore them apart had put them back together again, it seemed.

“What is going on here, kid, you’re robbing me blind,” Buck jokes as he lands on a bit of Chris’ property yet again.

Chris just beams at him and sticks out his hand, palm up for Buck to surrender his colorful money.

“Better luck next time, Buck,” Chris says but his warm words are under cut by the gleeful laugh that leaves him as he adds Buck’s cash to his ever growing pile.

“He’s business savvy,” Eddie interjects, giving Chris a high five.

“That’s one way of looking at it, I guess.” Buck pouts for dramatic effect and Chris gives a belly laugh, his eyes squeezing shut and a hand flying over his mouth.

Buck will never grow tired of this, of being able to put a smile on Christopher’s face or earning one from Eddie who gives him a quick wink.

Buck doesn’t know what to do with moments like this. Eddie is comfortable around him still and that’s great news, he knows, but he has to wonder if Eddie still feels that draw, too. It’s the most powerful emotion, this pull that makes Eddie and this life with him the center of Buck’s world. Every night could be just like this. The rest of their lives could be this incredible if only he and Eddie gave themselves another shot.

It had been torture the night Eddie put a stop to them. It was premature and born out of fear not genuine want. That was an important distinction to note but now that six months have gone by, Buck longs to know if the sentiment still holds true on Eddie’s end.

In the time since their split Eddie had tried moving on. That was a particular slice of hell for Buck but luckily it didn’t last too long. Eddie’s heart didn’t seem to be in it and a few casual weeks of seeing Ana Flores amounted to nothing in the end.

Buck knew it was selfish and perhaps even cruel to be relieved it didn’t work out. All the same, it had flooded him with joy when Eddie made it clear one night that he and Ana were no longer together. He’d inquired, of course. Curiosity always got the better of him though a small voice had told him to leave well enough alone. They were friends again, that much was true, but it was still hard to gauge what lines could be crossed given their history. 

“Why didn’t it work?” he had asked over the phone when Eddie called him after what he knew was a date night with Ana.

That day sticks out clearer in his mind because he had pitched the idea of making dinner that Saturday for Eddie and Chris but Eddie had to raincheck; he and Ana had plans and Chris was staying over at Pepa’s.

Eddie paused and Buck gave him the time he needed to answer.

“I’m not exactly sure but it didn’t feel right with her. It hadn’t for a while but we kept trying anyway.”

Buck had wanted to question him further and get the full story behind the breakup but for different reasons he decided not to: there was no use dwelling on it. He didn’t want to overstep. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep the elation out of his tone for much longer.

The bottom line was the most important of all: Eddie was single. Buck wouldn’t have to share him with anyone else.

He didn’t want to be that kind of ex, the one who couldn’t move on and privately celebrated the demise of his former partner’s relationship. And yet, the first thing Buck did when Eddie told him was take a breath.

He had been suffocating every day Eddie was with her. The man was well within his rights to pursue another relationship but it terrified Buck to even consider the prospect of Eddie falling for someone else. His heart resided so fully with Eddie, it always would. It scared him to think that Eddie would find a new home for his own and leave Buck with empty hands. With the closing of that door, he took a bit of solace in knowing they were both free agents.

He hated himself for it but it couldn’t be helped. It felt like the universe’s way of being on his side, of pushing Eddie to confront why it felt off Ana. In Buck’s eyes, it couldn’t have been any clearer. 

Now Buck just had to play the waiting game and hope that Eddie would be able to connect the dots soon and see the full picture as he’s always been able to.

Eddie looks to the clock and Buck follows his gaze. It’s pushing 10 o’clock, Chris’ usual bedtime on the weekends.

“Alright, bedtime for you,” Eddie announces, rising up from his spot on the floor beside Chris.

To his credit Christopher doesn’t make a fuss even though it’s clear from the look on his face that he’d prefer to stay and keep the night going.

“I’ll be back in a bit,” Eddie calls back to Buck as he and Chris head out of the living room.

Buck delights in that, the confirmation that the night isn’t over for them at least.

“Buck, can you read to me tonight?” Chris asks, stopping in his tracks after his father.

Buck smiles warmly at him and nods. “After your dad gets you settled we’ll swap out. Pick out something good, yeah?”

Eddie and Chris leave and Buck rests his head back against the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. He isn’t sure how much longer he can hold his tongue from having a serious conversation with Eddie. He loves this unit they have here. It’s a shame they’re just living with the label of friends. Whatever this is, it’s deeper than that. Surely Eddie must recognize that as well.

Buck is eventually summoned and he reads out a chapter of a new book Chris got earlier in the week. Before he can even ask if Chris wants to hear more, he’s met with the soft sounds of the boy’s breathing. Buck kisses the top of his head before exiting the room and heading back to join Eddie.

“He knocked out pretty fast. Must’ve been drunk off all that power earlier,” he laughs, flopping onto the couch right beside Eddie.

“Maybe but you’ve just always been really good with him,” Eddie says thoughtfully. He turns his head to look at Buck and for the life of him, Buck can’t tell what he sees in the man’s eyes.

“Yeah, well, I’m pretty crazy about that kid. I love being around him and being here, for that matter.”

Eddie just stares for a moment longer. “I’m glad it feels like home to you,” he replies, patting Buck’s hand and rubbing the back gently for the briefest of seconds.

He doesn’t say another word on the matter, leaving Buck in stunned silence as he gets up from the couch and starts clearing away the remnants of game night.

* * *

It isn’t uncommon for Buck to pick up his phone at random and send Eddie a text or photo when he comes across something he finds amusing or intriguing. It’s instinctual for him to call Eddie just to chat about his day. It’s as natural to him as breathing, something he doesn’t put a single thought to it.

For as much as he loves still being close to Eddie, it still takes its toll sometimes when he isn’t able to punctuate a message with the three words that take up permanent residence on the tip of his tongue. He always has to reel it back in, stop himself from saying too much and disrupting the easygoing nature they have been able to maintain.

Buck lays awake in bed as he does most nights, his mind drifting to one person in particular. With a hand over his heart, he doesn’t miss the way it beats a bit faster the longer he thinks about Eddie and those brown eyes he’d be content spending forever staring into. He always misses Eddie most at night, when he’s in bed alone and longing for his ex’s warm, sturdy frame beside him. These last few months have been spent with Buck reaching out every few nights almost forgetting that there was no one next to him. He misses the late-night conversations they’d have as they laid next to each other, discussing every topic imaginable from the all-out ridiculous to the heartfelt and meaningful.

With Eddie he was able to share his most private thoughts or embarrassing stories and know that each piece of himself that he gave away would be safe with the other man. Assurance and stability, he misses that most of all, too.

Buck slips his hand off his bare chest and reaches for his phone, squinting against the brightness as he fumbles through his contact list, seeking out the name that’s been heavy in his thoughts all night.

“Did I wake you?” Buck asks when the ringing stops.

There are two beats of silence before he hears Eddie’s soft exhale. “No, I was already up. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just wanted to hear your voice.”

That’s the thing about nighttime to him. It’s a liminal space for Buck where every day rules don’t apply. A confession like this isn’t one he’d be inclined to make in the daytime. But with distance between them, he almost feels invincible, like his thoughts and actions won’t carry the same repercussions. It’s dangerous thinking but he allows himself to give in to the overwhelming urge to lay his heart bare for Eddie to make with it what he will.

They remain silent, Buck’s candid statement hanging in the air between them. He makes no efforts to retract or downplay his words, even as the quietness grows heavy.

“We can’t keep doing this,” Eddie says softly after a moment. Buck wonders if the statement is aimed only at him or if Eddie needs to hear the words for his own sake. “Doesn’t it hurt you? Because I know that it kills me.”

Buck turns on his side, curling up against one of his pillows, a poor substitute for the man he’s speaking to now. It would seem he isn’t the only one compelled by the late hour to share secrets that are otherwise held firmly to the chest.

“I still love you. I’m not about to apologize for it.”

Buck listens closely to Eddie’s breathing on the line, noting the way it hitches. Was this really coming as a surprise to the other man? Buck didn’t think he was skilled in hiding just how much he still cared for Eddie. Even after things ended the way that they did, his heart would always belong to Eddie. There was no getting around it; that was simply a fact.

“Buck…,” Eddie begins but doesn’t finish.

There are so many ways the sentence could go and it gnaws at Buck not to know where it was leading to. But he knows well enough that he can’t push Eddie to say things he isn’t ready to, at least not right now and certainly not like this. Like everything else between them these days, there’s a lot left unsaid and open to interpretation. But Buck is tired of working off possibilities. He’d much rather live with a definite.

He doesn’t respond to Eddie. He simply ends the call without saying goodbye and gets out of bed, grabbing the first shirt his hand lands on and slipping it onto his torso. None of this feels like a conscious decision on his part but now that Buck is going through the motions of leaving his house in the middle of the night, it only feels right. Settling for a phone call, lacking the ability to see Eddie’s face when talking about something this big, it doesn’t sit well with him.

It’s three in the morning and the roads are, of course, relatively empty. Any sane person who didn’t have to be on the streets right now is in bed. But logic left Buck some time ago and to be frank, he doesn’t exactly miss it. His thoughts reside solely with Eddie and praying that there will be some type of resolution to this bit of conflict they’re having. Buck hears his phone buzzing on the passenger seat where he tossed it earlier, undoubtedly with texts from Eddie asking where he’s run off to but he focuses on the road, only looking at his phone when he’s pulled up to Eddie’s house. The porch light is still on but there’s no other sign the house is occupied.

He picks up his phone and reads the missed messages from Eddie, each confirming his theory that his sudden disappearance on their call made the other man worry.

 **_Come outside_ **, he types and sends, completely overlooking the texts Eddie has sent. Everything else is irrelevant.

Buck stares at the screen, the muscle in his jaw flexing when he notes the gray bubble appears before him. It’s there for a few seconds before it’s gone altogether, no new message from Eddie. He could feel Eddie’s hesitancy in the build up to the reply that never comes.

Buck’s eyes flicker to the front door, waiting to see if Eddie will emerge. A few seconds later he does, glancing back at his house before crossing the lawn over to where Buck’s jeep is parked out front. Buck doesn’t plan on keeping him long, knowing that Eddie is undoubtedly worried about leaving Chris inside of the house alone even though the boy is fast asleep at this hour.

Buck’s focus remains locked on Eddie, watching the strides he makes towards him. Even on a darkened street with only lampposts and moonlight to make him visible, the other man manages to shine in Buck’s eyes. Eddie’s gait is something he’s quite familiar with; there are so many little nuances to Eddie that he’s managed to store away since the day they met.

Eddie pulls open the passenger side door and climbs inside. Suddenly the air feels charged, the space too small for Buck’s feelings not to bump up against the two of them as they sit together.

“I can’t believe you came over,” Eddie says, breaking the silence. He shifts in his seat, his back to the door to better view Buck.

“I didn’t want to talk about this over the phone. I think we deserve better than that, don’t you?”

Eddie doesn’t say anything but he concedes the point with a nod and an expression that further drives the point home that he agrees.

“How long are we going to keep doing this? There’s still something here. I know you feel it, too,” Buck presses.

Eddie’s eyes dart away as he pulls in a breath. Buck remains patient. He’s got nothing but time on his hands now and this conversation is one that is so long overdue that he’ll wait however long it takes for Eddie to offer a response.

“Of course, I do. But does it really change anything? We tried to make it work and it fell apart. We know how this story ends.”

“But what if that wasn’t the end? I just—I can’t believe that’s it for us. I’m sorry but I just can’t. We could try again, Eddie. What’s really stopping us from doing that?”

Eddie worries his bottom lip, his front teeth digging into the flesh. It’s such a momentary distraction for Buck who can only stare in his silence at his ex’s mouth before pulling himself together and meeting Eddie’s eye. Eddie seems to catch on to the road Buck’s mind was about to wander down as he stops what he’s doing instantly.

Buck has missed those lips, the ease to which he was always able to greet Eddie with a tender peck or lose himself completely in a passionate kiss. He feels starved for that intimacy again.

Buck is pulled back to the present moment and the task at hand.

“If you still love me and I still love you, there’s no reason for us not to be together.” He shifts in his seat, reaching out his hands and holding onto Eddie’s.

It still overwhelms him at times, just how much something as simple as this can get his heart racing. But Buck has long since realized there’s a certain power that comes from loving someone, a kind of magic that makes the mundane extraordinary.

Buck searches Eddie’s eyes, unsure of what to make of what he sees in them. There’s confusion and fear but also something that looks an awful lot like hope. It’s such a cocktail of emotions that Buck isn’t certain which feeling Eddie is attached to most of all.

“Sometimes you have to knock things down and rebuild. I think we’d create something even better this time.”

He feels desperate with his need to pull Eddie to his side of the debate. 

“We didn’t know what to expect last time but we know now. The feelings are still there. We act like we’re still dating. Why can’t we just make it official again? Eddie, please, I love you.”

He’s begging, he knows, but with Eddie— _for_ Eddie—he isn’t afraid to make himself vulnerable, to put his heart on the line.

Eddie sniffs and pulls his hands back. Buck’s heart stops for a moment as he takes Eddie in. For the first time Eddie looks uncomfortable around him. Buck moves his hands as well, his whole frame retreating to his side of the vehicle.

He stares openly at Eddie but doesn’t speak. It’s clear he’s already said far too much.

Eddie tips his head back against the glass, his eyes closed. Buck holds his breath, unsure of what Eddie will come up with next.

“I don’t know if I trust myself with your heart,” he says after a few moments.

Eddie’s brown eyes settle back on him again and finally, Buck breathes. 

“You’re giving me way too much power here,” he continues.

“That’s because I trust you, Eddie. I love you and I trust you. I’m not afraid or ashamed of that.”

If this is what it takes to prove his point, Buck will recite this mantra a hundred times. He needs to make it clear to Eddie that he’s all in on this, that there's nothing the man can say or do that will ever change his mind. Eddie is it for him. He knows that for certain, just like he trusts the sun to shine. It’s natural.

“How long do we have to keep pretending like we could ever just be friends? You tried to move on with Ana and it didn’t work—“

“You never tried moving on with anyone at all,” Eddie says and Buck laughs sarcastically.

“What would have been the point? To give myself something to do to pass the time? No. I know what I want. I made up my mind ages ago and I know you have, too. You’re just too scared to actually have the things you want, even if they’re being thrown right at you and begging for you to go after it. I’m right here. God, Eddie, what are you so afraid of?”

Eddie searches his face and Buck can only look back at him pleadingly. He sees the shift in Eddie’s eyes, the moment his defenses go tumbling down. Buck’s heart aches with his need to be closer and it seems like Eddie understands or feels it too because he’s lunging forward, his lips planting squarely on Buck’s. He doesn’t hesitate in kissing him right back, his hands roaming the expanse of Eddie’s back, their chests pressing against each other’s.

This is it, the spark that turns into an all-consuming flame. Buck feels the rush spread from his lips to the rest of his body like a wildfire. Anywhere Eddie makes contact burns with desire. It’s how it’s always been to be this close to Eddie but now, after six months of going without so much as Eddie’s touch, Buck is taken over. 

Buck feels drunk off this kiss, off Eddie but there’s no remedy in sight. Even if there was one he wouldn’t want it. What he wants is every bit of Eddie, for Eddie to break him down to atoms and make him over.

It’s a wonder they were able to go six months without this level of contact but they’re making up for every second of it now. Eddie’s hands are clawing at his sides, Buck’s fingers are combing through Eddie’s hair. It’s frantic and greedy and raw, not unlike what Buck has been feeling inside every day for months.

This hour should be spent fast asleep but Buck has never felt more awake, more alive than he does right now. They break apart but their eyes remain fixed on one another. 

“I’m done running,” Eddie says softly, placing a kiss on Buck’s forehead before allowing his own to rest against Buck’s.

Buck strokes Eddie’s cheek lightly, allowing the promise of those words to burrow inside him like a seed, expanding and growing until it’s all Buck knows. This is how it should have always been but Buck won’t focus on the six months lost. Instead he takes comfort in knowing there’s an infinite number of days ahead.


End file.
